The Matrix has Excel
by crazysally
Summary: Excel just want's to have fun. It doesn't help the only ones she can play with are Neo, trinity, and a few unfortunate agents. Well She doesn't mind, it's the others that may have a problem.
1. Just an ordinary matrix fighting day

The Matrix has Excel.

I ran down the corridor of an abandon building with Neo by my side. We were running from some agents that caught sight of us ten minutes ago when we were passing a comic convention. Even though they were deadly programs that looked over the matrix, I couldn't help but laugh. Well, more like burst a gut, making running a bit difficult.

There seemed to be a glitch in the system because we were running from none other than superman. One of the agents, for some reason, turned into the man wearing the costume, but for some reason the superman outfit stayed. The sun glasses the agents usually wore was there, but there was no business suit on those tights. And may I say those tights looked sliming on him.

"Hey," I tried clearing my throat from the giggles, "Neo."

He gave a little sigh, "Yeah?"

"Do you have any krypton?"

"...what?" He looked at me bewildered.

"It will help us to defeat superman!" I got into a fit of giggles. I tried, ladies and gentleman, but the little bubbles of laughter wouldn't go away.

"Excel, this is not the time for making jokes." He said seriously.

"Ok," I took deep breaths to control myself, "ok."

I knew it would be a bad idea look behind me, but I couldn't help myself. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back, and boy was I satisfied. Not only was superman following us, but the Ghostbusters as well. To say I became a hysterical laughing fool would be an understatement.

"~Who are you going to call? Ghost busters!~" I sang then burst into laughter once more. "Remember Neo, don't cross the streams!"

"Excel!" Trinity yelled into my ear piece, "stop laughing and start running!"

"All right," I took a big sigh then looked at Neo, "Just think Neo, we're about to get beat up by superman and the ghosts busters. How bizarre and unexpected is that! I totally didn't see this coming, did you?"

"Excel!" they both yelled.

"Alright, alright," I shook my head, "you guys need to lighten up."

We finally lost site of them after reaching the rooftop and started to jump from building to building. Though I kind of missed seeing the agents dressing up (or would it be dressing down?) for a change. No more of those plain suits. Though, if anyone could go for the men in black look, it was them.

We finally arrived to our destination, a three star hotel. I may have scared one of the guest's kid when I popped right by the window, my face planted to the glass. I heard a very high pitch scream before a very soft thud. I took a quick glance in and saw a twelve year old kid on the floor. I left before Neo saw it and scolded me.

We got into room 312 which was empty. No surprise there. Neo got to use the phone first because I was still in a fit of giggles. I couldn't be fully to blame for my actions. I didn't plan for this to happen. I didn't say, "Hey, you know what? I'm going to put a virus in the matrix so all those pesky, good looking, agents get stuck wearing the clothes from the bodies they take over. Yeah!" After I composed myself, I went to grab the phone. The door burst open and in came superman and the ghost busters. They had their guns out, aiming straight at me.

Now they weren't so funny anymore.

"Hey guys," I waved sheepishly, "It was nice seeing you again but I gotta go-."

They shot the phone.

"Well… that's not nice." I started to edge towards the window, "I thought superman was suppose to help people, not shoot them with a gun. At least use your superpowers you were born with to dispose of me! It's not good to waste talent." did I ever mention I become a blabbering idiot when I'm scared? Well you know now. "And you guys, don't you go after ghosts, not the living… though this is the virtual world, so would I be called 'a living person'? Hey, since this is a virtual world does that mean the ghosts are virtual ghosts or are they other glitches in the system?… Oh, Sorry, I'm rambling again, aren't I? Neo says I do it a lot. Do you guys think I talk too much?"

Even though they both wore the dark sunglasses, I could see they were all extremely confused. It might have been my constant rambling that got them confused or my reference to movies. They had no idea what I was talking about and looked at each other. I never saw an agent's eyebrows go up so high. They then proceeded to look themselves in the mirror right next to them. I wouldn't blame them. If I ran around town like superman or the Ghostbusters, without knowing it, I would be embarrassed as well. Do agents get embarrassed? They are computer programs so they shouldn't have feelings. But I do know for a fact the agent who I encountered a week ago was defiantly showing the emotion "pissed off". No program could portray such a human feeling so strongly as that guy. I thought the poor agent was going to pop a virtual vein.

"There seems to be a glitch." one agent said as he examined his attire.

I could hear a phone ringing in the bathroom. I was overjoyed to find the hotel had two phone. I pushed the question away on why there was a phone in the bathroom and quickly darted to the room. Some shorts were fired as I slid into the very clean and sparkly bathroom and grabbed the phone that hanged on the wall.

"To infinity and beyond!" I saluted to them before leaving the matrix and back to the real world.

It was days like these that I was happy to have known the truth. Though the part that everything being a lie was a horrible downer, there was some silver line to it. This was one of them.

* * *

CS13: Ok, this was really based off a dream I had when I was 14. It was a lot weirder than this, but I felt like I should try to keep to the Matrix logic as much as possible. or at least nondream logic. This is really just a one-shot but I have always wanted to extend it, but for now it's ending like this. Thank you for reading!


	2. Hug an agent day

CS: Ok I saw a picture on Deviantart and it inspired me to draw this. Just type "hug agent" and you will get a lot of funny pictures. :3 hope you enjoy

* * *

Hug an agent day

I was on a quest- no- a mission! It was highly dangerous and could easily have brought me to kingdom come, but I was doing it anyway. I was the only one who could accomplish such a thing. And not because I'm skilled, oh no, but because I was foolish enough to do it. I can't say I'm stupid because I know how stupid and risky this whole thing is… though that's not stopping me… wait that does make me stupid.

Was it because of Pride? I don't think anyone who doesn't care to wear purple penguin pajama bottoms and an oversized "Soft Kitty" T-shirt while fighting against agents (or trying to) would have much pride…. Now that's song stuck in my head!

"~soft kitty, warm kitty-" I stopped. My prey was spotted and in my sights… wait isn't that the same thing?

Could it be that I'm the kind of person that could back out of a challenge? Sort of. Though I usually don't agree to stuff that has the probability of getting me killed over 73%. And this was way over 73%.

Could it be that I may be clinically insane and should be locked away to protect those around me and myself? Especially myself? Absolutely, but we are not talking about my mental state. What we are talking about, more preciously is what day it is.

Today was Hug An Agent Day. Don't believe me, ask Cookie, my best friend in the whole wide Matrix. Though I never met her "in person", we do chat wirily and in the Matrix from time to time. And she would never lie to me. Just because she was the equivalent to the female version of Puck from Shakespeare's midsummer night's dream, I could trust her to be trustworthy. She was even the one who created the whole glitch with the whole costume thing with the agents. A pure master piece! I still get into a fit of giggles thinking about it.

I ducked behind a trash can. My escaped gurgle of what was an attempted to be a suppressed giggle, got the agent to be on alert. Even though this agent was alone and could be easily cornered on where he's standing, I really wished it wasn't this particular agent. He's the one that showed the emotion "pissed off", I was talking about last time. I wouldn't be surprised if he is still sore about the whole thing. It wasn't my fault! Entirely.

I'm guess he is waiting for Trinity, Neo, and Morpheus to come out and play. Ok, yeah I'm kind of goofing off AND using my "friends" as bait. But if you were in my position, you would do the same thing! Who gets the chance to actually HUG an agent! NOBODY! I don't think they get hugs from their mother… creator… what ever makes them! The matrix? I really think the whole machine we are up against should have a name (or they do have a name but I was too ADD to listen to Morpheus speeches) besides just calling it the matrix because that's the world… wow, we are up against the world… that's heavy, man.

OK! I must focus! I am not far from the agent who I believe is called Smith. Poor guy's got a boring name. For a very attractive program, you would think they would have a name more.. Unique. Yeah, I understand ladies and gentlemen why you might be squirming in your seats, disgusted. Being attractive to a computer program designed to KILL things like you, isn't exactly the best thing to admit. And it's way beyond Teenage drama and soap operas. Trinity looked like she was going to barf when I told her, when we got some "girl talk" time. Ok, it wasn't girl talk exactly. Just me talking away, waiting for Neo to bring his skinny butt back.

But for a girl who has no options of a real partner in life, it's not so bad having eye candy once and while. I think Trinity actually barfed in her mouth a bit when I said that.

Agent Smith didn't seem to notice me at all and I thought they knew all of what went on with the Matrix. They always seemed to jump us, five minutes in when we arrive. Though… when I'm alone or with cookie, they usually take awhile or don't come out at all. Maybe I'm just lucky. Who knows.

The thirty-five year old looking program looked like he was absorbed in what he was hearing in his ear piece. Now was my chance!

"GLOMP!" For once my aim was on the mark and my arms wrapped around his waist.

~Soft kitty, warm kitty, Little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, pur pur pur~

Don't know why that song decided to pop up right when I was hugging (some may call it Sexual harassment0 this program that could strangle me with his little pinkie. Don't know how he would do that, but it would be awesome.

The complete surprised stupor he was in, gave me an extra second before I pulled away and ran like a mad woman.

Though I do think deeply on stuff, some things that REALLY didn't need to be thought deeply about, I'm not much of a planner. Though I did create the master plan of getting him away from other agents and cornered (which most of my plan relied on luck), I did not think of how I was going to get away from this. Hopefully alive.

I did have the ability like Neo and agents, to defy all the laws of physics we were taught in high school, though I really could not take a hit. Basically my real body couldn't. Unlike Neo, I didn't wake up to the real world with a working body. Seems the machines were not perfect as they think they are and created me a defected body. Though I have never seen my body not even my real face, Dr. Carter tells me it's really bad. He's the guy that got me into this all. I did hate him… For like a week till I realized I couldn't remember my "memories" of my "life" were before waking up to the real world. I realized I needed to make new ones. So why not make them super special awesome, super computer fighting K.O style!

My body is hooked up in wires, being monitored by the doctor and his small lowly vessel. I suggested that he got meet with the Nebuchadnezzar (where did they pick this name?) but he wasn't too keen on the idea. He just doesn't like to be told orders or around other people. He's very antisocial. Though my body is immobile and weak, my mind is free and strong in the matrix. I never felt so alive than in the matrix.

Now back to me being chased.

The guy was fast, I would give him that. I wondered if he recognized me. I turned around to look at him. With his jaw clenched, teeth showing, and a shot gun in his hand -Wait, WHAT!

"Holy Spock on a tricycle! He's got a boom stick!" He seemed to ignore my illogical, cultural reference and completely idiotic comment and got ready to fire. I did what any person in their right mind would do; for once. I screamed bloody murdered, took out my little pistol, and shot the agent in the hand.

He gave out a small annoyed hiss from the shot and fumbled a bit with his gun. I decided it was the best time to go into the crowd and hide.

Not the greatest move for three reasons:

1. This is the matrix and the agent could easily ask the mother ship to track me or something. I don't know, they have a scary way of finding ya.

2. I have red hair. Not the orangey looking hair, oh no. I have RED HAIR. Like Mary Jane from the cartoon series Spiderman red! Since my body wasn't really… great looking and I have no idea what I looked like, the doctor was able for me to create my own look. Red hair was not my best idea… though nor my stupidest.

3. The urge to sing the mission impossible song was too strong for me not to.

"DUN NA NA!" I stopped, dropped, and rolled like my… parietal-person-I-have-no memory-of-taught-me-and-his-under-a-car.

It was a very tight squeeze, but tucking my stomach in and not breathing helped. I watched as many shoes went by, keeping my eye on a certain pair. Those black (expensive looking) shoes seemed to be staring at me. Even as the agents body moved around, looking for me, the shoes always pointed at me… Glaring. It was a good five minutes before he left.

I wonder if agents have to tell their "supervisors" everything that goes on .Because that would be an interesting conversation. "report Smith!" "Well, I was waiting for those rebels to come out." "Yes, go on." "and then… I was… in a way… attacked." How so?" "…. I was hugged." "….."

"pfft!" I chuckled with a small snort. Maybe all in all, I brightened up his day.

With a big _WOOSH_ The car was flung twenty feet away. I looked up to see my little hug patient/victim glaring down at me. I think he was glaring. Can't tell from the glasses.

"H-hi!" I waved as I laid on the pavement, far from anything to use as a shield or projectile weapon. Well, if that little kid would just come a little closer….

"State you name."

"oh, if I do, will I live?" He raised the shot gun, "Oh, so I go to candy mountain then. That's cool. I'm Excel by the way, Mr. Smith and if you don't mind, I must go and think over my actions of today if that's fine with you."

"You are a virus. Viruses must be destroyed."

My eyes widened, "What kind of virus? I don't want to be the swine flu because that's not really cool-Oh you must be a computer virus name!… Don't really know many of those-"

A fire was shot near my head "Shut up."

"….. You're still mad about the whole-"

Another shot was fired, but not by the agent nor at me. Mr. Smith stepped slightly back from the force, but yet not that fazed. I look to see Neo coming to my rescue!

"Oh, thank the dancing llamas!" I quickly got up and did a few flips out of the way from the program. Just to feel awesome.

Neo looked at me. Well I think he was looking at me. It's hard to tell with the dark shades. "Why do I always find you in trouble."

"Because….. I'm danger prone." I gave him my big smile. "Well, I had a long day and wish to take a nice long nap in my little tube on life support. Tootles!"

I did some more cool flips and went off into the sunset. And I mean by going into the Sunset hotel, that was just a block away. It is the only few places I could find a good payphone. I waited for it to ring before I answered it.

I awoke to the doctor smiling at me as I floated motionless in my liquid prison. I tried to smile, but with the tube logged in there, it looked more like my face was twitching. But he knew what I was trying to do, so it count. I decided to do what I said I was going to do and took a nap.

My dreams were full of candy, Spock on a tricycle, and a certain agent in my "soft kitty" t-shirt battle a narwhal. Why a Narwhal? Because they are unicorns of the sea. DUH!

* * *

CS:….. You know, this is what happens when I write late at night.

Also if you are wondering where "soft kitty" came from, it's from Big Bang Theory.


End file.
